The Lion The Witch and The Jared
by Templar-pirate
Summary: Jared is a fairly normal boy: stupid, hyper and severly attention deficit. Guess what? He's found a way into Narnia...Aslan help us all. Rated for language and general weirdness.
1. It begins

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Tengo mi propio nada.

Once upon a time, in a faraway land known as Florida, a boy named Jared was on eBay. He typed in "possessed antique furniture." He found a toilet that flushes upward, a dead man's chest and a wardrobe from some guy in England named The asking price was one Turkish pound, which did not exist, and when eBay tried to convert it to U.S. dollars it came out as negative five, so sexyprof paid Jared five dollars for the wardrobe.

Several weeks later Jared got the wardrobe.

"This thing smells funny, like orphaned British children and old Chinese food. Hey! Maybe there's still some in here!"

Jared then climbed into the wardrobe, which was not filled with Chinese food, but lots and lots of fur coats. Jared crawled through the fur coats logically thinking that the professor had hidden the Chinese food at the very back of the wardrobe and the coats were only a clever ploy. Unfortunately, Jared never found the back of the wardrobe.

"Where the hell does this thing end! Hey, is that snow? Are those branches? Oh my god, I'm in…Disney World!"

Just then, a strange creature that resembled a goat-man appeared.

"Welcome to Narnia, I'm Mr. Tumnus!" he said in a high and very creepy falsetto.

"Are you the delivery boy?"

"No, I'm a faun!"

Jared looked confused. "So, you're a female deer?"

"No," replied Tumnus, leering in an uncomfortable fashion and remaining very cheerful. "But you can be if you want to, I mean um…are you a son of Adam?"

"My Dad's name is Peter…But wait a sec, my Mom's sexy co-worker is named Adam! I knew it! I was born of an affair!"

Jared then slapped Mr. Tumnus and ran screaming into a tall streetlamp knocking himself unconscious.

When he awoke, Jared found himself in what appeared to be the set of an 80's X-rated movie. Just then Mr. Tumnus appeared over Jared and said "Oh wait, wrong room." And knocked him out again.

When Jared woke up a second time he found himself in a cozy looking cave/den. Mr. Tumnus was coincidentally sitting across form Jared, staring at him and licking his lips.

"Am I dead?" asked Jared.

"No, we're having tea!" exclaimed Mr. Tumnus. "Would you like tea, crumpets, roofie?"

"What was that last one?"

"Crumpets."

"Oh, alright, I'll take some crumpets."

Mr. Tumnus advanced on Jared eyes slit seductively and whispered, "Have you ever heard a Narnian lullaby?"

"Uh…no."

Mr. Tumnus put on his sound system and said, "Good, because this won't sound _anything_ like one."

Suddenly Jared perked up his ears.

"Hey… This sounds an awful lot like Barry White…I think its time for me to go home now…"

"No!" cried out Mr. Tumnus, "It's been so long since I've had company and it's been such a long, cold winter!"

Jared ran out of Tumnus's house screaming and hit a streetlamp knocking himself unconscious…Again…


	2. No Turkish Delight for you!

Disclaimer: Owning nothing

When the story was last left off, Jared had escaped from the clutches of a lonely faun only to run smack into the mysterious streetlamp…again. What fate will befall him now? Better question, what horrendous fate will befall all from Narnia who run into him?

Jared woke up in a daze, not sure where he was, wondering vaguely about Chinese food. Suddenly, Jared heard bells approaching and in his concussion stupor he thought of Santa Claus.

"Santa! Did you get me that Cornish game hen I asked for?" he cried, jumping in front of the sleigh.

Which he was then hit by.

Obviously, the driver of the sleigh was none other than Jadis the white bitch! I mean…witch, yeah that was it.

"Dwarf servant!" commanded Jadis.

"Can you at least give me name?" grouched the nameless dwarf.

"Fine, from now on your name shall be… Curly-cue Princess!" decreed the Queen.

"Can I just go back to being random Dwarf #5?"

"Whatever, just go see what peasant we crushed this time."

By now, Jared was dimly aware of two people talking. He watched in confusion as Curly-cue Princess/Dwarf #5 examined him.

"It appears to be some kind of Australian platypus my Lady, I think it wet itself before we hit it."

"No," Jared groggily replied, "I'm a son of Adam, the sexy co-worker." Suddenly, he leapt back in alarm.

"You're not Santa!"

"Of course not," crooned The Queen. "I am the White Witch."

"What's up, snow ho?"

The Witch reached down to strangle him, remembering just in time that she would need a human's blood to…I don't know, complete some sacrifice for everlasting power or something.

So, instead she picked him up and put him in the sleigh.

"Are you cold son of Adam?"

"I could really use some bacon," grumbled Jared.

"I know not of this 'bacon' you speak of, but I can offer you some Turkish Delight."

Jared stared at her wide-eyed, "You mean some sort fancy Turkish hooker?"

"Uhhh… _Yeah_, but they're at my castle, so you have to come with me to get them."

Jared narrowed his eyes suspiciously, "I don't know if I can trust you," he said as he moved to get off the sleigh.

Just then, he saw someone crouching in the bushes. It was Mr. Tumnus!

"Jared, we never had the scones!"

"On second thought, you look like a very trustworthy evil queen, let's go to your place!"

As the sleigh sped along, there was a slight bump.

"What was that?" Asked Jared as he heard someone behind them yell: "They squished Mr. and Mrs. Beaver!"

"Nothing," replied the Witch.

Finally, they reached the castle, which was made entirely of ice.

"Wow," said Jared as he stared. "You ever think of going on MTV cribs?"

They walked into the castle and the Queen led Jared to a small room that looked remarkably like a jail cell.

As she locked him in, Jared had an epiphany.

"Hey wait a sec, are you making me your prisoner?"

"Yes," she replied. "I'm going to hold you here until I kill Aslan and then I'm gonna kill you on the Stone Tablet and use your blood to rule forever."

"Oh…so no Turkish Delights then?"


	3. The saviors of Narnia!

Disclaimer: Still own nothing. Actually updating, sorry for the wait if you were reading.

When the story was last abandoned-I mean left off, Jared had been imprisoned by the White Witch, aka the Narnia Snow Ho. What will he do now? Will he escape? Will Aslan eventually come into the story? Just what ARE Turkish Delights? Will Tumnus ever get his scones?

Let's find out!

Jared lay in the prison, meek and terrified, or at least, that was Jadis _wished_ was happening, in reality, Jared was banging the bars with an icicle, updating the whole castle on his disposition.

"I'm bored! It's really cold! What happened to the Turkish hookers? My baby toe hurts! I'm still bored! Hey, hey White Witch, do you have any pizza bagels? Ooh! I'm gonna sing a song! My bologna has a first name it's o-s-c-a-r! My bologna has a second name it's m-e-y-e-r! And if you ask me I will SAAAAAAAY! That Oscar Meyer has a way with b-o-l-o-g-n-a! That really doesn't make sense does it? Shouldn't bologna be spelled b-a-l-o-n-e-y? Why isn't it? Hey White Witch, it's still really cold and I'm bored! Oh! I spy with my little eye, something…white! Guess what it is!"

The White Witch had already taken several aspirins but she still had a raging headache and was going to lose it very soon. Her chief of evil doings and whatnot, Maugrim the wolf, was using Curly-cue Princess/Random Dwarf #5 as a chew toy to relieve the stress.

"Why don't you just take the little brat to the Stone Tablet and kill him now?" he growled.

"Because," replied the White Witch, "the script says I have to wait until Aslan saves him and then take the lion instead and kill him so he looks all noble and can be compared to Jesus in the whole Christian parable thing that's going on here."

Maugrim looked extremely confused, if wolves can, in fact, look confused. "Come again?"

Jadis sighed. "I mean, a mere minion the likes of you could never understand the prophecies of Narnia or any of my brilliant plan!"

"Oh."

She got up and went to Jared's cell. "God, what would make you shut up!"

"Turkish Delight."

Several hours later some small beings resembling British children-turned mini-warriors crept into the ice castle. How they managed to do so is completely beyond me.

Anyway, Peter, Edmund, Susan and Lucy were just outside Jared's cell. Aslan had told them that there was another child in Narnia who was in the White Witches clutches and sent them to rescue him so he could aid in the fight. Obviously, Aslan did not know Jared personally, otherwise he would have left him right where he was.

At the moment, Edmund was throwing ice at Lucy, who was crying and trying to get Susan to make him stop. Susan was trying to memorize the dictionary and make smart-ass comments to Peter, who was practicing his underwear model pout. Behold the saviors of Narnia!

"Psst! Hello? Is there a boy in there?" asked Peter, peeking through the bars.

"No," replied Tumnus, who had also been captured at some point. "I'm a faun, but if you get me out we can go back to my place and have some tea, maybe even a Narnian lullaby!"

Peter wisely bypassed the cell and led the others to the next one. "Hello? Small boy in there?"

"Uh-huh," came the answer.

"Well we've come to free you!"

There was a long pause, followed by: "Don't wanna go."

Peter, not expecting that, was surprised. "Why not?"

"Busy!"

"Well you have to, we've got to take you to Aslan, he's abroad!"

"A broad? I thought he was a dude lion! _Fine_! You can leave girls."

Four scantily clad Turkish women left Jared's cell, followed by Jared himself. "They were feeding me pudding! And sweet, sweet Narnian tacos!"

"Wait a minute," said Edmund, "you mean your cell was open the whole time?"

Jared examined the door. "Huh, look at that. Guess so."

So they escaped the castle the same mysterious way the children had snuck in. Actually, it turns out that to drown out Jared's whining, Jadis had challenged Maugrim and Curly-cue Princess to a very anachronistic game of Dance Dance Revolution and was seriously kicking their butts, so she could not be bothered with such trivial matters as guarding the castle or the prisoners in it.

As the children traveled back to Aslan's camp, they heard sleigh bells. Jared, not wanting to be hit and mistaken for an Australian platypus again, leapt into the bushes, taking Lucy with him in case a human shield would be necessary.

"My goodness," cried out Susan in an extremely proper startled-British-child fashion. "It's Santa Claus!"

The children gathered around Santa. "I have gifts for you all! Since you've been such good little kids, I'm going to give you all AK-47's and switchblades!"

"Yaay!"

He gave Susan, Lucy and Edmund their gifts, but he looked Peter up and down suspiciously.

"How old are you, boy?"

"Why, just barely fourteen," he said, trying to look as young and innocent as possible.

"My ass!" replied Santa, which is not something you hear him say often. "You look eighteen to me."

"But I was only sixteen when we shot the movie!" he protested.

"Too bad, I'll give your gift to that bug-eyed child over there."

Jared, bug eyes and all, grabbed the sword from Santa.

"Ha-ha! I got a sword, and you got nothing! Nyah nyah! Jared wins!"

So Peter swatted Jared upside the head, knocking him out yet again. The kids and Santa then ditched him and fervently hoped he'd get lost on his way to Aslan's and possibly get stepped on by a Narnian tree.


End file.
